Am I nervous? No. Not really. I know what to expect. The only thing to be nervous about is that my bones fuse the way they are supposed to this time. What I feel is much more a feeling of dread. I dread waking up after surgery. I dread the time in the hospital and all that comes with a major operation. Mostly, I dread month after month, alone in my bed, wondering if I'm going to feel that horrible forever...seeing no signs of improvement, wondering if I'll ever get any better. I dread that darkness returning, that hopelessness that accompanies unending pain and sickness, when things are supposed to be finally turning around. I dread the dark days.
"At least you know, one week from now, it will all be over with." No. One week from now, it begins again.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
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2 comments:
I will be thinking of you and sending healing thoughts!!! Yes, I agree, once surgery is over is just the beginning... not the end. I look at myself as having battle scars from a war I'm winning. Big hugs and all the best to you!!
I hope it all goes well for you, Carolyn. You'll definitely be in my thoughts and prayers.
I completely understand your sense of dread. In the past 12 years, I've had brain surgery 14 times (ugh, it really almost sounds unreal) and open-heart surgery twice, yet despite the familiarity of it all, every time I go into the OR, I'm terrified -- primarily because of the fear of the unknown. But I also know that often, if you don't take the risk you know things will never have a chance of improvement. I had my most recent open-heart surgery in May (if I didn't do it, I would've died within about 2 weeks) and while I still have a long way to go in terms of recovery, I'm amazed at how far I've come. I think focusing on what you want to do with your life after the surgery (wedding, career goals, family, etc) is a healthy way of focusing your energy on why you're going through with this -- with the hopes of giving yourself a better life.
Needless to say, I understand where you're at with all of this and wish you the best with the surgeries.
Take care of yourself,
Susanna
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