Saturday, April 5, 2008

Bad Days

Dealing with chiari symptoms for so many years is a challenge. And sometimes it seems to catch up with me. I spend most of my time pretending I'm okay, smiling through the pain, acting like I'm not sick- or like it doesn't bother me. I'm certainly not going to spend all of my time wallowing in self-pity. So I guess it just builds up, and it has to come out sometime. I do feel like I want to give up at times. But I just cry it out, and if I'm lucky, someone is there to hold me. And the next day, I start over, keep going. Because really, there's no other choice.

It is this way for many people with invisible chronic illnesses. I know what I look like- I look perfectly healthy, at least when I'm up and around and people can see me. They don't see me when I'm laying flat on my back in the darkness, and any light, sound, or slight movement causes pain and nausea. Most people in my life don't even know that I feel this way at some time almost every single day of my life. Sometimes, I feel this way all day. I explain it away as a "migraine", because it's a bit too complicated to explain the whole thing. But I'm going to try to get better at telling what really is going on. I don't want others to pity me. But I do want them to understand at least some of what I deal with. Even if I do tell more people just how sick I am, I will still probably spend my days pretending I'm not least when I'm out of bed. Because how else can you really live your life?