I wrote an incredibly long post, but the computer lost it when I tried to publish it. Now, I'm too exhausted.

I'll just say that I passed out tonight after work, and I feel terrible now. But at least I avoided the e.r.

I'm so mad I lost that post. It's so hard to put my thoughts into words. It's even harder to recreate those words.

I also wrote about fusion surgery being my last realistic hope to feel better in this lifetime. I talked a lot about how I don't believe you need to be super-optimistic to have a chance to recover. I think it has more to do with seeking out new treatments and trying everything you can...not giving up.

I sometimes, like yesterday, want to give up. Give up working. Give up driving. Give up all of the things that cause the most stress and pain.

I'm worried that exercise...even just walking around the house or getting in and out of the car, causes me so much pain. How will I stay in shape or even remotely healthy? Walking hurts. I can't swim with my darn fused neck. I need to find a way to keep my body moving...without using up to much upright energy, and without causing more aching muscles and joints than I already have.

I mentioned wanting to find a pain clinic in the Chicago-area for my generalized body pain that has been plaguing me for some time now.

Finally, I talked more about the "Spoon Story" I mentioned in the last post and how it really helps to describe how I feel. I'll have to retell that another night.