Wednesday, August 12, 2009


I had a new post written. But it was very raw and dark. The point of it is that my body is deteriorating, and the failings of my body are depressing. Sorry if these posts are ever too much. These are simply the truth behind the smiles. But I've re-written the post to make it a little easier to handle.

I have a new pain doctor. Dr. Wilkin is great, but I'm having a hard time with the insurance company approving medications. Ugh. Hope this gets worked out soon. I'm in so much pain. I have another appointment next week, and I hope to try something different and get the new medication approved.

I need help. I need to find a way to get through until surgery, which is at least 5 months. I have many new and worsening symptoms. But most importantly, I need adequate medication for my energy and my pain to help me get through until then. But my determination that I need this surgery has never been stronger. I just hope that once my bone density levels are improved, there is no further delay. I hope that things are settled at The Chiari Institute and I can get surgery scheduled early in the new year.

I need to stop burdening those around be the person I should be and live the life I should be a positive force in the world. I want to have this surgery so that one day, it will be worth all the trouble. Worth the trouble we've already been through, and all of the trouble that is ahead. It is such a huge burden to ask someone to help me bear. How can I ask someone to take care of me, to spend time with me, to watch so much more suffering? Only if they too have the hope that one day, it really will be worth their while. This is the only hope I have to offer, to hold on to. That after recovery from this surgery, I'll feel well enough for it to be worth everyone's trouble.