Thursday, August 13, 2009

More thoughts on today

I think the reason I'm so upset today is that I am certainly having a sick day, I'm noticing the downward pattern in my health, I am worrying about my ability to keep pushing through...and I don't feel that I'm allowed to be feeling this way!

The ones that love me do have other things going right now. But I don't know where and when is appropriate to discuss all of these feelings, and more importantly, have these feelings validated.

I have serious fears about my ability to continue working, to continue commuting back and forth to Milwaukee, and to handle the severity of my symptoms.

I have been sicker than this before, but then, I was bedridden. There was no pressure on me to do anything. This time, there's tons of pressure. I need to keep doing everything.

And the constant struggle to do what is needed, despite horrible pain and serious worries, is turning me into a witch. I'm not the person I want to be. I don't know how to keep being nice when I'm struggling just to exist. Even just laying down is a struggle. The guilt is immense. Guilt that I'm not doing what's expected of me. Guilt that I am making other people's lives so much harder. And guilt for being so mean and irritable.

I also have serious concerns about if my bones will be ready in time for my December DEXA scan. I haven't had any actual medication for it, just supplementation. And people with EDS do NOT absorb the way we should. But my doctor wouldn't prescribe an actual medication to help rebuild bone. How do you think my bones got like this in the first place? I don't absorb properly!!! Adding more won't make me any better at absorbing! So it's quite likely that this year long wait will be pointless. The bones have to get better, or I can't have this surgery. And I've already waited so long. It's unfathomable that I may have to wait even longer.

I am overwhelmed by all of this. I can't stand this existence. I just can't handle all of this.

So that is what is upsetting me. I suck at this life. I need it to change. But I don't think anything can change for a while. Who knows how long? It's an endless wait.

I know, I just have to do my best. And not every day will suck this much. But for today, it just seems like more than I can handle.

I just wish it could be different. I wish I could be different. I wish it didn't have to be this way. I want to be better for everyone I love. I really hope that one day I will be.