If your body is telling you that you should stay in bed and do nothing, and you choose not to listen...If you take stimulants to make you seem awake and opioids to mask the pain...you will always, always pay. I've used stimulants and opioids to try to defy my body for too long. And the costs are too great. There is always a downfall. Always some level of withdrawal. And your body keeps track of what you stole from it. You will always pay for every minute of borrowed time. You will pay with pain, fatigue, and distress. I wonder if I will ever catch up, if I will ever make up for the time I stole. For so long, I've tricked my body into doing things it wasn't able to do. And now it has shut down. And it tortures me with pain and sickness. I don't know how I'll survive sometimes.
Get me to a freaking neurosurgeon. Cut me open. Rip out my titanium. Give me new rods. Make me new. I don't care what it takes. I don't care how much it hurts to get there. I can't live like this anymore. Just make this end. How will it ever end? I don't know how to go on like this.