Friday, November 13, 2009

High pressure

Not blood pressure. That's very low, of course. The pressure inside my head seems to be at an all time high lately. My temples are so very swollen. Like my brain no longer fits in my head. It hurts so much. I wish I could have a spinal tap to empty out some CSF and decrease the pressure.

I've been trying to sort through tons of old junk in my room, but it just looks neater. It's actually a disorganized disaster. But it takes so much out of me to get anything done.

I barely move anymore. I'm limp and lifeless almost all of the time. I can't take it.

I want to go work out. I want to be in shape and not hate the way I look. I want to improve my body fat percentage. I want to feel well enough to do something that requires wearing make-up. I have such a meaningless existence, during the wait. I can't believe I'm still waiting. Watching more and more days pass by. Wasting time. So many years wasted. When can I finally live again? My joints will continue deteriorating for the rest of my life. I just want to get my head fixed while I've still got some life left to live.

What a waste! I wish this didn't all take so long. I wish I could have had all of my traumatic surgeries very close together. Then, spent a couple years recovering {which is how long it takes with POTS}. Instead of wasting so many years between surgeries. I want a life.

Sorry for complaining. I know it could be so much worse. But the headache pain, all-over pain, nausea, weakness, fatigue, and general sickness make me pretty crabby and miserable.