I am not okay. I'm getting to be very depressed. I am so sad so much of the time. I know I'm not fun to be around. I'm just so sad. It's such a long, hard journey. I spend much of the day alone. I spend so much of my time feeling so sick. I feel like I have to spend my life pretending to be okay, pretending to be happy, pretending that it's not a challenge to make my body move, pretending to be strong enough to deal with all of the pain. My whole life is an act.

I don't know what could be any different in my life. There's nothing that can change. I like living here with Gus. He is my partner. He's just not around very much. And that won't change for years. Who knows if that will ever change? I love him so much, and he makes me so happy...when he's here...

And it seems that I will be sick for a very long time. Nothing seems to change the way I feel. My pain, my fatigue, my weakness, my intolerance to exercise...it just doesn't change. I can feel my heart work so hard just to keep pumping. I feel the strain it takes just to get the blood to my brain. I just don't know how to keep moving through this life. It's so hard to do anything. I have to fight just to get my body to get up and get dressed in the morning (or afternoon). How long has it been like this? Since the first surgery 6 years ago? No, probably longer. I wouldn't have had that surgery unless I was pretty sick before then.

I'm becoming hopeless again. Things are not going to change for me. I see no end to the pain. I don't know how to make this stupid body work any better. And apparently, neither do the doctors. This last surgery seems so worthless. I pretend not to care. But it matters. I suffered all summer. I worked my butt off to recover. But nothing changes. I don't feel any better. It is still so hard just to make my body move. Such an effort just to walk around. I just hide the strain and pain as much as I can. I know they want to offer me more surgery. There is one more ordeal I could put myself through. But would it make me any better? Will anything ever make me feel any better than I do today?