I hate that my chronic illnesses make my life so self-centered. So much of my energy goes into how I feel and what I need to do to get better. I wish I could spend more of my time and energy on the people I love and how they feel and what they care about. I wish I could be a better person for them. One day, I will.
That leads to another problem. "One day..." I never live in the "now". I spend my whole life trying to make myself better...looking forward to better days...to times when it won't be so hard. I keep waiting for the time when all of this will be over with! When no one will want to cut my head open. When I can be more functional, more useful, less despondent. Even with my relationship, I'm just waiting for the time when grad school will be over, and I'll be able to spend more time with Gus. How can I learn to be satisfied with what I have right now? Especially, when right now is often so miserable, such a struggle, and filled with so much pain?
Always a work in progress...
