Monday, December 22, 2008

Challenges for the holidays

Well, things have been getting worse. I guess that's the only way to put it. I've just definitely been feeling worse and worse and able to function less and less. I'm needing to spend a good part of my morning and afternoon in bed on an average day. That's made shopping and enjoying my break so hard, because I feel so awful all the time, and I haven't been able to get out to do anything. So I apologize in advance for the gifts this year. I guess I couldn't afford much of anything anyhow. So, poor Gus has been doing all of the cooking and dishes and errands while I rest and try to keep surviving. But at times, my resolve has gotten weaker. I've definitely begun to wonder how I will continue working in the state I'm in. Frankly, I don't think it's a very good idea. My body is screaming out for more and more rest. When I take pills to avoid that rest, it only feels worse later. It's just so miserable. It feels a lot like before my first fusion, as things were getting worse. I'm suffering from instability symptoms almost constantly. At this rate, it won't be long before I can't drive, can't work, can't function. I would lose everything. I'm so scared. I'm not being negative. This is not pessimistic thinking. I'm just facing facts. I've been through this before. I know where this leads.

I hope this next surgery really lasts. What if my stupid connective tissue just keeps sagging out of whatever position it is set in? I just need it to be soon, before I lose everything. People are counting on me. I can't stand to let everyone down...again.