Thursday, December 17, 2009

The Emotional Toll

Today was truly unbearable. My symptoms have been so persistent. My functioning has been non-existent. The misery is so all-encompassing. It reached that point again...where I just can't take it anymore. The hysteria lasted longer than it ever has. The rage and despair just took over. I was a person possessed. I know it put such a strain on my family. I wanted to stop. I just couldn't. For hours. I finally put myself in a cold shower, after 3 Klonopins failed to calm me. I feel so terrible for my family. My loved ones are the only reason I haven't left this world much sooner. There's nothing within me that would stop me from giving up, completely and utterly. How else would I go through 7 years of intense distress...10+ years of pain? I have no choice. I can't even choose to cut myself anymore. I have no idea what I would do without my support. They are the only reason I hold on.

It's just that sometimes, it feels like a tug of war. My body is constantly telling me that something is horribly wrong. But there is nothing to do about it. Absolutely nothing. And it's so frustrating for those around me to not be able to do anything to help. But the tug of war is in me. I want to give up. I want to succumb. I don't know how to face another day (which I've said 1,000 times before). But I can't succumb, because I could never hurt my family that way, after all they've done for me.

But when will it be enough? When will I finally have gone through enough? How bad does it have to get before they'd let me leave?

I know the answer to this question. I don't get to leave. It will never be an option, no matter how unbearable my illness becomes.

I guess, on days like today, when I am so completely out of control, I wish we could have just called 911, had an ambulance come over and tranquilize me. That is what I needed. The medicine didn't work. After several hours, I put myself in a cold shower and screamed and cried. I had to treat my body like a body possessed. It was completely out of my control. Believe me. I'm great at meditation and progressive muscle relaxation. I can lower my blood pressure within a couple minutes (which is very unsafe). But none of that was an option today. With this level of depression and rage, it truly is beyond your control. So, sometimes it's best to just isolate yourself, so your loved ones don't have to go through all of the pain with you.

The shower worked this time. I truly hope that next time, we will have something stronger than Klonopin. I've been dealing with these hysterical rage attacks for quite a while.

I'm just sure I shouldn't be sharing all of this information with the whole internet. However, I know that other people in my situation read this page sometimes. And I'd rather not put up a front, in the one place I'm supposed to be able to express describe what it is really like to go through torture for 7 years straight.

I understand that this is a down time. Today is a day when I need to learn, again, how to come to terms with my situation. I will reach a point of acceptance again. And the cycle will continue. As it has for so long.

Do you know how long 7 1/2 years is? Think of how much has happened in 7 1/2 years. And all that time, I've been feeling just like this. All these same symptoms. Constant, unending pain. Body failing. Since I was 18 freaking years old.

I follow the people that used to be my friends on Facebook. I watch, I read, I follow their lives. I see all of the things they do, all of the places they travel to, all they achieve and accomplish. I lost my shot at achieving anything. I had to give up on my dreams.

And honestly, most of the time, I can accept that. I really can. I just wish that each day didn't have to be so hard. If I just had to lie in bed all day and accept the loss of everything I should be doing, I could accept that. Seriously. Believe me, I've been accepting that for quite a while. Since high school, my symptoms have made me miss out on things that I should be doing. If I could just rest during the day, in semi-comfort, I would be able to handle this better.

But that's not my life. I don't just lie in bed all day, comfortably, watching the minutes drag by. Nope. I hurt. I hurt so much. The pain is so omnipresent. My body twitches uncontrollably. My heart cannot keep a steady rhythm, so it races and skips and pounds. I feel like I'm being electrocuted. I can't get comfortable no matter how hard I try.

Is it time to seek medical marijuana? Ketamine? Is it time to be hospitalized and tranquilized full-time? All of those sound preferable to my present.

But I wouldn't know where to start. And I don't think my family could accept that. It's hard for them to accept that I should not be getting out of bed for anything, most of the time.

I'm just glad I'm not alone. I need to try to stop venting to the same people. It's too much of a burden for them, because they love me so much. That's why I put myself in a cold shower today. I didn't want to drag my mom through the storm with me.

I wish I could stop crying, so I could stop torturing my loved ones.