Friday, August 22, 2008

Still trying

I'm setting up my piano lesson schedule for the fall. My fear is that I will not be able to follow-through...driving back and forth an hour each way...getting myself out of the house by 1:00 every day. I just don't know how I'll do it. But there really is no option other than to give it a good try...even though the effort it takes is just too much some days.

It's just so hard. The fatigue is so strong some days. The first half of the day is especially hard (9:00am to 3:00pm). I'm also having full-body joint and muscle pain most of the time. I could easily be diagnosed with chronic fatigue or fibromyalgia...but I don't need a new diagnosis. I need a new treatment!

I don't know what kind of results to expect from this surgery. I'm almost done with physical therapy (I won't have time for it once lessons start in September, anyway.). I can continue to rebuild my core strength. But it's mostly just a waiting game. But I don't know what I'm waiting for. Maybe some of the body pain will go away. I don't expect the fatigue or the POTS symptoms to get any better. And without that, it doesn't matter if my daily headache doesn't get any better. Headache or no headache, you can't do anything without the oxygen in your brain.

I keep thinking back what Dr. Milhorat said during traction. He noticed that as soon as they lifted my head to the "sweet spot", the color returned to my face. My headache went away at this point, and my brain fog went away. I was getting enough oxygen in my brain!!! I won't feel better until that is my normal state...a fully-oxygenated brain. At least, that would make sense to me. I know that some people are opposed to the idea of revising the fusion, but how can that evidence be refuted? I was there, I experienced it. I experienced my head being lifted, and that directly reducing my POTS symptoms. Essentially, they could be eliminated...along with my headache and fatigue. If those problems were solved, I could live a normal life. What more could I ask for?