Friday, October 24, 2008


Well, it's Friday. Not a busy day. But I still have to find a way to take a shower and drive an hour into town, teach a lesson, and then go to the chiari support meeting. We'll see how many people make it out.

My sister-in-law is really struggling with some medical issues right now, so please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

I understand that my health could be so much worse, and has been so much worse. I just feel that I'm in between the level where you're able to work (a little), and the level where you're no longer able to work at all. I am just having to push my body harder and harder to keep going to work (or socialize, or do anything normal).

The Neptazane is out. It was likely responsible for my sick state on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. I had really strong waves of nausea and complete fatigue. The fatigue has lasted though, even though I discontinued the drug on Monday.

Darvocet gives me the same symptom as Vicodin, which could be called friendliness, or could be called blurting. It sometimes makes me talk about things I wouldn't usually talk about. I've been on meds with this side effect for so long now. So, I'd like to apologize for times I've said inappropriate things in the past. I believe it is caused by my medication. I know this seems really strange and out of the blue, but looking back, I've had my moments, and I hope you can forgive me for them. They will surely continue, as I can't seem to avoid these pills.

Also, I want to write a reminder that I am essentially living a lie. When I'm working or in a social situation, I am usually putting on an act. Not because I don't want to be myself, but because it's not socially appropriate to appear sick and sad all of the time. So, I suck it up and put on a happy face. The only problematic thing about this is that people don't always understand that the outside doesn't match the inside. I am still sick. I am still struggling. If I am at work, at the store, or even out socially, I have gone through a lot to make it there, and I will be doing my best to stay strong and look okay. But that doesn't mean that I am actually okay. And also, if I do have to bail out of something I had scheduled, it usually means that I was not able to make it through the struggle that day.

But I sure do get tired of faking it. I used to essentially live in my bed. I guess that's the option...and it's not a very good one.