Sunday, October 19, 2008

Sunday nights

Sunday nights are so hard for me. I'm always looking forward to the weekend, when I (supposedly) have time to relax and spend time with my boyfriend. However, he has so much to do for grad school that he spends most of his time working, even on the weekends. I respect and admire him for it, but it does make weekends a little more boring.

At least this weekend, it allowed me to get some work done. I've been busy for a couple weeks arranging songs for my students. I finally got all of them done (I hope!).

Unfortunately, when the weekend is over, the work week begins. And the weekdays take such a physical and mental toll on my body. It's almost more than I can handle, and I do end up missing work more often than I should. So, even though I don't hate my work, I certainly dread the amount of effort that goes into a work day. I mean, I didn't even get dressed today. I'm still in my pajamas from last night, and I haven't had a shower yet. This is not out of the ordinary for me. Of course, being paralyzed half the day did complicate things. I laid on the couch and didn't move a muscle for quite a few hours. I was not quite asleep and not quite unconscious, but unable to move an inch. It's very tiring, if you can believe that. I've been extraordinarily tired all day. I had tons of salt and fluids, but it just wasn't enough today...or that wasn't quite the problem. My body was probably trying to make up for the very full and stressful days of the week before.

I have to quit seeing my new therapist, because I don't have time to see her. It takes too much time and energy out of my day to be worth it.

I'm just feeling so depressed most of the time. My bladder problems are getting worse, when they should be better by now, because of the tethered-cord surgery. My joint pain is definitely worse, as my knees were hurting me all day, even though I barely walked all day. My fatigue persists. And my headaches haven't yet changed from the Neptazane, but I've still got to increase the dose quite a bit. I have a migraine most days, and an instability headache often. These are separate from the pressure headache, so they won't be helped by the Neptazane, even if it does work.

I tried the Darvocet for the first time this weekend. I took it Saturday afternoon when my headache was so bad...instability headache. I wore my aspen vista collar too. The pain did get better. But it still had the side effect of making me very talkative. It's really frustrating to have a medication affect your personality so much. It made me more friendly that night, but I wasn't quite myself, and I may have seemed self-centered from talking too much.

So, I'll probably use the Darvocet sometimes, when I need to. I don't know if it's much different from Vicodin, really.

I miss Buttons. The house is very empty without her. I hate spending the morning and making the commute all alone. Hopefully, she'll get to come home with me tomorrow.

Well, I need to take a shower sometime between now and lessons tomorrow. I'm dead tired, but not actually ready to fall asleep. So I'd be a zombie in the shower, and it would take so much effort. But who's to say that tomorrow would be any better?

When to shower??? I just don't have enough energy to be a civilized human being.

I would like to give up and take a break from life. Too bad people are counting on me, most importantly my boyfriend, as we both contribute to the monthly bills. It's just so hard to keep going...but there's no other choice. What a trap.