Wednesday, April 8, 2009


It is so hard to not get sucked into the depression on some days. How do you find the motivation to push your body through all of these symptoms and keep going through the same struggles every single day, all the while putting on a happy face? It's hard day for me. I don't want an answer to this question. It's more of a statement that this life is hard and after so many years, it's hard not to want to give up at times.

And now I'm supposed to go to work, feeling sick and discouraged, fearful and beaten down. My bones hurt when I try to move. My body is so heavy and tired. My head hurts so badly. And I have to get up off this couch, take a bath, drive myself to the church, teach two piano lessons, accompany the choir, then finally drive home, find dinner, and return to my pathetic couch. They may sound like easy things to do, but the thought of it is so overwhelming that it sickens and scares me. I can't keep the tears away today.

It just never ends.

*Edit: Due to unstoppable tears and the same old sickness, I had to cancel work today. I just don't see the point of going on right now. This routine is getting stale. I feel this same way every single day of my life...I can just only hold in those feelings for so long before they come out, like today. I wonder if I should have faith in this next surgery to make me feel any better, when it all seems the same as last time. I wonder how I will make it through the torture that inevitably follows cranio-cervical fusion surgery. And I wonder if I could possibly live a more comfortable, functional life than the one I've been planning. And what would I do with myself if it doesn't help?

I'm having trouble caring about anything that I am currently involved in. I know that I'm just biding my time until I go to New York for the torturous surgery. I don't know how to keep trying and keep caring about anything that happens in this phase of my life. I have such a pathetic existence, watching stupid tv all day and night. It just feels like nothing matters until I can get this stupid surgery done...and then the real trial begins.

I'm not really up for a pep talk. I'm just letting you know what it's like inside my head...what I feel every day.