Thursday, May 14, 2009

Rage, continued

Up too late again, but the rage is still vexing me. So I will list some of my grievances, to try to release some of the tension.

I'm disgusted with the media and with the frivolous lawsuits and with the hateful slander against the leaders in our field.

It has also left me lost and confused. I don't know what to do with myself, knowing that the next surgery should be the last one...the one that puts me closer to "normal". But when can this surgery take place?

I'm lucky. I have to wait for surgery anyways, because I'm waiting for my bones to grow more dense before my fusion is revised.

But others are ready for surgery now, and for this ridiculous reason, they can't have the surgeons they trust perform them.

The hospital is clearly at fault for the scheduling situation, in my uninformed opinion.

I don't know about seeing any other doctor. I just can't handle being rejected, humiliated, or disappointed anymore.

At least Dr. Menezes would not even schedule an appointment unless he thought he could help me. Maybe I should try.

But then I feel like a traitor to my doctors at TCI, whom I believe in.

But waiting and waiting and waiting for my bone density to improve and for this controversy to pass just seems unbearable right now, especially in my very agitated state of mind.


I really want to yell and scream and cry and hit things.

Again, I don't think my rage is directly caused by this TCI controversy. It's more about my general dislike for this point in my life.

Work is hard, because my body is not well enough to be working at all. So I hate it.

My body sucks, so I spend much of my time wasting away on this couch, contributing nothing to the world.

I am in so much freaking pain, and I don't even let people know. My pain is so bad. Everything hurts so much. My head is freaking exploding. It feels like my eyes will pop out, along with my brain bursting through my temples and through the hole in the back of my head. My joints hurt when I walk, or even sit up. My muscles throughout my body ache day and night. My spine feels like a collapsed accordion. And did I mention my head??? It never stops. EVER!!!

I don't know when my bones will be stronger. I don't know if I should pay out-of-pocket for the August DEXA scan, because if my bones don't show enough improvement by then, it would all be wasted. I don't know how I can possibly wait until next January for a DEXA scan. Days pass so freaking slowly. Hours pass so slowly. How could I wait EIGHT FRIGGING MONTHS???

And I don't know if this surgery will even help, because so many people end up in worse pain afterwards.

I have to do a bunch of crap to get the referral process started with Dr. Menezes. But who knows if he'll even see me?

And I'm trying to participate in life as much as I need to. But it is so hard. I have to go to work four days a week, whether my body wants to or not. I have host two piano recitals in the next two weeks, which are a huge drain on energy. I have to attend a family wedding the same weekend as one of the piano recitals. I'm really excited to be invited...I just wish it weren't so hard for me. I'm planning summer events. I need to recruit new students, because plenty seem to want to take the summer off. I would like to visit my family in Florida with my dad. I would like to go to the ASAP conference in Madison. I would like to see a musical at Broadway in Chicago. I would like to visit family in California with my mom. Obviously, financial concerns contribute to a lot of these issues...actually all of them.

So, I guess I have plenty of reasons to be mad. Maybe they've just all come together. I just can't stand it right now. I'm so angry for so many reasons. I'm so frustrated, I just can't stand it. I hate my life right now. I love the people in my life. But I still hate my life, for the reasons listed above.