Tuesday, May 5, 2009

The Mask

It was a busy weekend. Friday night, I went to my old high school (yes, the hell-house itself) to see the spring musical. It was a lot of fun. Then, Saturday, we had a benefit concert combining my church and my grandma's church. A lot of the family were there and participating, so it was really good that I could be there. It was a fun day. I rested whenever I could, but was still out of energy by the end of the day. Sunday, I stayed with Gus. Did a little sorting around the apartment. Otherwise, we just had a nice day.

Monday was a difficult day. I was very fatigued for most of the day. I took a double dose of Provigil before work. That meant that I had what it took to make it through my lessons. And of course, I smiled, and everyone thought that I looked so healthy! But as soon as I got home, I crashed. Every cell in my body hurt. I couldn't move. I fell asleep early, and slept for 12 hours. I'm still exhausted today. My mind is also very distracted, so I'm sorry if I'm not making much sense.

I'm so tired of people not being able to see through the mask. It's not like I can take the mask off. It would be unprofessional. And it's a great way to lose friends (I've learned this from experience). I must pretend to be happy and healthy, at least relatively so. Even though inside, I am in pain every day. I have symptoms every day. It is just so hard to live a lie.

My mind is wandering. I can't stay focused. So maybe I'll write more later.