Wednesday, May 13, 2009


I've been calling it crabbiness, but since Sunday night, I have had a ball of rage inside of me. I've been trying to contain it, but it's coming out as me just being mean. I actually feel like screaming and yelling and punching things...and probably hysterically crying for a long time, too. I have to assume that this rage is mostly caused by some imbalance of neurotransmitters in my brain, because I don't have a valid rational reason for it.

I am generally upset about the huge controversy and cloud of doubt surrounding TCI right now. I hate that people are saying so many hateful things about the pioneers in the Chiari field.

I am also stressed because my schedule is getting busy with recitals coming up so quickly.

I'm frustrated as ever about my state of health. My body fails me daily, even if I pretend otherwise. I am in so much pain all the time. There is one surgery left that may help me. But it is a mystery when this could possibly happen. Even if it does happen, who knows if it will help, and I will have so much extra pain to go through to survive it.

But none of this is proper justification for the amount of rage inside of me. So I blame a faulty brain. I just hope I don't hurt too many more people as I try to contain the rage. Hopefully, it will pass soon.